Of Sentence Fragments and Parody
When posting crap like this it’s always hard to tell if anyone will find it halfway interesting or if it’s just going to be funny to me. However, my phone has been threatening total heart failure over the past couple of months and I’m afraid if I don’t get this crap written down in one place I’ll lose it forever. Which would be a shame.
Basically this all started, when a buddy of mine texted me: “…and they called him Benjamin Alton.” I can’t quite say why that amused me so much, but it did. So for a number of months we started texting back and forth each other’s name featured in a few parodied sentence fragments or sentences that were written in the context of a larger unknown story. I was in a phase where I was reading a lot of Dark Tower and so eventually I kind of formed a collection of paragraphs about the “The Navarro Man”, Navarro being his last name, which centered around a gunslinger type of character and a troupe of animal companions that helped him mete out justice. The main purpose of these texts were to make each other laugh, so hopefully you’ll get a kick out of it too. In any event, I feel good I’ve managed to get these out in one location.
Mike:
“…and they called him Benjamin Alton.”
Me:
“The Navarro lad was a precocious boy..”
“When he wasn’t composing music, he would take to the fields…and they would laugh and play all the day long.”
Mike:
“Every spring they would frolic in the meadows.”
Me:
“Among the dandelions and the whippoorwhils.”
Mike:
“Lately he goes by the name Ben Alton.”
Me:
“Have you seen Michael Navarro? If so, do not approach, but inform the authorities as he is considered to be highly dangerous!”
Mike:
“Sure he’s good, but he aint no Ben Alton, I’ll tell ya that.”
Me:
“And the village children would never forget the mysterious stranger who saved them, nor the magical sack he carried. Navarro they called him. Michael Navarro.”
“But Navarro was too quick for the dastardly Dr. Niche and the army of invasive species at his disposal!”
” ‘Those Asian carp are taking away jobs from our hard working American fish!’, the Navarro lad exclaimed.”
“And the mysterious stranger, Navarro slipped away quietly into the night. The townspeople would never forget him, nor his animal companions, who did so much for their quiet desert town.”
“Long after the battle was over, the bandito leader would be still be haunted by thoughts of Navarro’s attack rabbit, Skippy. The ugly scar on his left cheek would be a constant reminder of the rabbit’s ravenous bloodlust.”
Mike:
“And fiery the angels fell; deep thunder rolled around their shores; burning with the fires of Ben Alton.”
Me:
“At the mention of the name Navarro, an awed hush fell over the room. News of the mysterious stranger and his animal companions spread fast in these parts.”
“It was said that Navarro’s most deadly ally was his trained quick-sloth. Unassuming at first, he could spring into action at a moment’s notice, ripping into Navarro’s enemies with claw and fang.”
Mike:
“And the children sang and the trumpets played. For Ben Alton was back again.”
“And I heard it like a voice from above. It opened the sky and pierced the heavens, rained down upon the earth, spreading the plains to the eastand the mountains to the west. And the people cried, ‘But what name shall we call you?’ ‘You shall know me,’ he thundered, ‘as Ben Alton!’”
“And that’s how Ben Alton brought the great Mongol empire to its knees. He did it with love.”
Me:
“Wild Bill never had a chance against the Navarro man. Skippy the rabbit calmly watched as Navarro’s big iron unloaded quick death on the bandit. He then quietly tipped his hat to the villagers, stepped over the Bill’s corpse and left the town with his animal companions in tow.”
“Navarro calmly stoked the fire and offered some deer meat to Skippy. The rabbit bared its fangs and hissed at him before bounding off into the wilderness. Navarro shrugged. It was for the best that the rabbit get some alone time. Skippy’s mood swings had been more erratic as of late, and it was wise to steer cleer of the rabbit while he was in one of his bloodier moods.”
“The town appeared empty and there was no noise from the men he sent in. Beads of sweat started to form on the bandito’s forehead. Lord Bilious was known to lay traps for unwary opponents. After a long while one of his men came staggering out of the town, walking like a dying man on dead limbs. The bandit leader ran towards him to find out what had happened to his siege and why he was the last man to return. When he touched the man, his clothes fell away and all that way left was Lord Bilious, standing on some cleverly designed stilts, a smug look of superiority in the duck’s eye. “No,” said the bandito leader turning to run. But behind him there was the Navarro man…and death.”
“Michael Navarro got down on one knee to speak to the children. ‘The magic was in you all along,’ he said, ‘it was in your hearts.’ He then blew into his invisble balloon and floated out the window with a smile and a wave. The children would never forget the mysterious stranger, nor the lessons he taught them.”
Mike:
“Within every man is a great storm waiting to break out. It is this passion that allows him to conquer his every desire. Releast your inner tempest. Ben Alton, a new fragrance for men.”
Me:
“Mike Navarro found the children wandering lost in the woods. “Come with me, ” he said with a twinkle in his eye. I will show you the way of bird and beast and tree and shrub. And playing his magical flute he lured them into his cave where he cooked them for dinner”
“And in the silence a lone child stood up. And he begun to dance the dance of the Navarro. Then the tears would fall. Then the tears COULD fall.”
Me:
“And so the children shrieked with glee as they saw Mike had returned from his harrowing journey into the forbidden lands, carrying their lost frisbee in hand. Mike then quietly dropped the frisbee on the ground and stomped on it with his heel, shattering it into many pieces. The children looked on in horror with anguish in their eyes, but Mike only smiled, gaining strength from their tears and disappointment. He who has eyes let him see, he who has ears let him hear.”
Mike:
“Ben Alton was not merely a man, he was an icon.
his writing was so renowned, there was an area of the human brain named after him,the Ben Alton gland. If you poke it during brain surgery, the patient’s body begins to convulse violently,out of joy.
my reply: “In the ER we call them the ‘joy shakes’, or the ‘jumpin happies’.
Me:
“On the 10th of October the Navarro child was born. The morning of his birth, the shamans of his tribe beheld a bear cub dancing in the woods, a powerful omen. To honor the spirits for the blessings they bestowed on the tribe, they went into the village and slapped the ugliest child. If the prophecies were to be believed, this Navarro lad had quite a future ahead of him.”
And possibly the best one of all, from Mike:
And atop the highest peak, he stood and peered out across the green hills, the rolling pastures, and to the horizon where the crystal heavens met the endless sea. Then with a mighty arm, wide as an oak, he plunged his jeweled sword deep into the earth. His midget assistant, Ulfr, looked up at him and grinned. “This land is yours at last, sire.” “No,” He answered. “This land…is ours. As it shall be from this day forth. I do this in the name of my god, and in the name of my people.” He stretched out his arm and pointed toward his new kingdom. “And we shall call it…Ben. BenAltonland.” Ulfr began dancing in delight. He smiled at his master, with bright twinkling eyes. “And for once, I shall live amongst the common folk my lord?” “No.” Ben replied. He then swung his mighty leg and kicked Ulfr off the cliff. Ulfr let out a squeal of dismay as he plummeted into the grey, foggy abyss. “You shall live among the snakes.” He grinned as he bent down and looked into the darkness. “Dreams don’t always come true, do they Ulfr?”
