Confessions of a class B Supervillian

A note to my future legion of minions

For the hundreds of millions of you in the continental USA who have not experienced my awesomeness please allow me to introduce myself. I am Barron Von Destrukto a B class super-villain.  You may wonder what a B super-villain is.  Think of actors such as Emilio Esteves or Keanu Reeves.  I’m kind of like them. Sure i may not be your Dr. Doom or Hank Scorpio, or even a disgruntled post office employee. But! I do have a purpose. I don’t challenge the authority of hero’s such as Ant-man, Captain Nemo, Robin or even local law enforcement. my purpose is to bring the noble B class super-hero Ben Altron to his feeble knees and and enslave the human race! 

Birthed and nurtured in the City of Big Shoulders (Chicago, for you less intelligent life forms) I grew up dreaming to be an artist i had a zazz of sorts for creativity. It wasn’t until early college that I figured out my true calling… which was being a super-villain.  I discovered my power was to unleash mass amounts of miniscule destruction one day garnering me the chance to take the world by its balls! that and being able to mimic the speaking style and voice of Christopher Walken. The first two years were a glorious run of destruktion. one of my early trademarks was rendering parts of sidewalks useless with vomit induced by heavy drinking. it was a fantastic site to see people being slightly inconvenienced by the mess. Often my dear and close friend Ben Alton would aid me in my escape. things like this went on for sometime.  Then one day while smashing a pair of 99 cent water guns (owned by my at thet time roommate Ben mentioned above) This insulant pug of a being reared his ugly head much like a blackheaded pimple. Although this Ben Altron was unable to thwart this particular trademark path of distruktion he would soon make my many of my plans increasingly more difficult to pull off. He always seems to know my next move.. i have now lived in chicago, new york city and currently reside in los angeles. It hasn’t seemed to help much.  I often consult my dear friend Ben Alton on what to do and his response is mostly try harder next time.. moving around has helped a bit but not entirely.  Thats all I have for now

yours truly

-Barron Von Desturkto

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Lollypops and Gumdrops! It’s a cavity!

Hello minions.  I’m sure you’re till suckling on the savory teet of my last post. Well savor no more, for your reward may be a cavity! (and all of you minions that do work for  me know we don’t have a dental plan).  Yes, believe it or not unlike super-hero’s, super-villains are prone to cavities and other ailments.  You readers may be thinking, “ No big deal” right? Well you’re wrong! It is a big deal. For you see, if a super-villain is plagued by a nuisance such as a cavity or other ailment it can distract us from our task at hand i.e., world domination or defeating our arch-nemesis.

Anytime you see a super-villain defeated it’s not because the hero was smarter or heroic. It’s for one of two reasons. 1. The super-villain has pulled off a brilliant plan captured, his arch-nemesis and has a death grip on the testicles of the globe. The villain decides that he needs to tout the gloriousness of his perfectly executed plan, offer some last words to the fallen hero and then POW everything goes wrong. WE JUST HAVE TO LET THE B CLASS HEROES KNOW HOW MUCH BETTER WE, THE B CLASS VILLAINS TRULY ARE. It’s in a villain’s nature to allow too much time in between capturing the hero and killing the hero (except in the case of Hank Scorpio who successfully seized the east coast and killed James Bond.). That is the first and often most common reason a super-villain will fall to defeat. 2. There are times when your year of planning is finally coming to culmination. Right when your going into end game the villain gets hit with the flu or a strained muscle and in my case a sensitive cavity. Do you know how hard it is to give your arch-nemesis a lecture while sipping refreshingly cold water in between? It makes your cavity banana’s! You loose your entire train of thought. It also ruins the mood for the hero too. The hero relies on his villains predictable speech patterns to keep his adrenaline up and if you have to pause every five minutes it just kills the moment.

 

So to all my minions out there brush twice a day or maybe even three times until we get in union of villainy.

 

Yours truly,

-Barron Von Destrukto!

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