Greetings fans and many admirers! It is I, your beloved hero, Altron!
First, I must thank my benefactor, Ben Alton, for allowing me this forum to express my feelings on justice, goodwill, and proper etiquette. He sure is a swell chap, handsome and wise, and it’s thanks to him that I got into this business. One day I happened to be out and about and I saw a sight that broke my heart. Young, mild mannered Ben Alton was watching in confused horror and anguish as his precious water guns were hurled down to the ground and shattered into a million pieces. As I watched the tears come streaming down his face, I turned my eye to the perpetrator of this abomination. Barron Von Destrukto! As I saw the glee and malice in his eyes I knew that I had to step up for the common man who was in danger of being moderately inconvenienced by aspiring super-villains.
So thus I began my quest to thwart the evil doings of the aspiring Barron Von Destrukto. Whenever he put a door off its hinges, so that the next person opening the door would slam it into the wall, there I was, putting it back on the hinges. Whenever Barron Von Destrukto would break a glass, I’d be right there, cleaning it up.
The more I would thwart the evil doings of Barron von Destrukto, the more that you, the people, came to admire and love me for it. Sure there may be the odd detractor, or skeptic of my purpose who might ask questions like, “What are your powers anyway?” To them I say, “What aren’t my powers?” Think about it. Did you see how I flipped it around on them? Pretty cool huh? That’s because I’m a superhero.
I’ll write more later.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Concerning Arching Etiquette
Greetings many fans and aspiring superheroes!
Some say that my noble heart and severe sense of modesty is trumped only by my regal sense of propriety. As your role model, it is up to me to help instruct you aspiring superheroes as to proper etiquette regarding your future arch enemies. I know you’re probably used to getting along on your noble instincts and charming smile, like I have, but where would we be without the rules and code of honor that define us and allow us to forever look down upon our opponents. So here I have a handy dandy set of guidelines to get you started on a mutually rewarding arching relationship in the future.
Concerning Arching Etiquette
1. Make sure to send your arch-rival a note of the time and place you are coming to thwart their evil plan. Arch villains need time to prepare and rehearse their gloating victory speech for when they capture you and strap you to a table with lasers, or while you’re treading water in their shark tank.
2. Also, when you are their captive audience and they are explaining their masterfully crafted plan and allowing you time to escape and thwart their evil plans, you are only allowed to interrupt their speech with, “You’ll never get away with this.” Saying anything else will throw off their pace and cause undue awkwardness for you both.
3. It is common courtesy to allow your arch-rival sufficient time to reach their escape pod when raiding their impregnable fortress. You are allowed to destroy as many minions as you wish however (they never seem to have a shortage).
4. Send your arch-rival a gift-basket, and allow them to break something of minor value to you on their birthdays. Villains don’t have the same throngs of adoring fans and weren’t endowed with the same charm and brilliant shiny teeth that us heroes have, so be courteous. You might even want to mention how positively brilliant his last world domination plan was.
5. Allow your super-villain to build up sufficient momentum and media attention prior to a thwarting. It builds up their self-esteem and will give you greater admiration after you save the world from their evil plot. Remember, your merchandizing fates are tied together. As more of his action figures sell, so do yours.
No need to thank me for imparting my wisdom to you. Your loving eternal adoration is thanks enough.